You know what really gets my goat? People who can't moan

I see dramatic changes in our complaints culture and I guess the growth in consumerism is largely to blame: increased choice and competition means that across the range of goods and services we buy, some things will be better than others. So a competitive marketplace creates services and goods that engender issues worth complaining about. But as the litigious fever born in the USA begins to take hold here, the way in which we complain is changing fast – too fast. You see, aside from the early lessons we had as a nation from Esther Rantzen on the Sales of Goods Act, nobody really teaches us how to complain.

Sometimes we just need advice on how to identify the appropriate element of the law through which to channel dissatisfaction. But if there is no legislation to argue our case for us, or we are faced with a confrontation before we have the legal knowledge to support our case, we need lessons on how to make effective complaints. Before that, even, we need to understand what we mean by "effective".

For some people, an effective complaint is one that allows feelings to be vented, or one that creates anxiety and difficulty for the complainee. This method's success is measured largely by how it makes us feel.

It is the "I gave him a piece of my mind" school of negotiation.

For others, effective complaints are ones where they can define themselves as the "winner" at the expense of someone else being defined as "loser". This is from the School of Mastering the Undermining of Goodwill (SMUG). There are many other courses available from parents, siblings and blokes down the pub.

At the same time, organisations are trying to change the way they receive complaints. They're a useful form of feedback by which we are able to measure and improve our services, we are told. They don't always use the word "complaint" – they hold consultation events or facilitate community viewpoints – but they get training, support and supervision to change their end of the complaining process. Who, though, is helping those at the other end?

For some, an effective complaint is one that allows feelings to be vented or creates anxiety for the complainee. This is the ‘I gave him a piece of my mind’ school of negotiation

When you're a mediator, you are in the business of managing constructive arguments, so it is frustrating to hear people complain in a negative and destructive way. We are taught to look beyond this and see it as an opportunity to help clients achieve new learning in their style of conflict.

But as human beings we have to remember that this frustration can easily lead us to ignore the issues the people are trying to raise – we can end up not listening. And I, for one, always complain when I don't feel listened to – and not just because I'm half-Greek.

Mediation is so often misunderstood.

A housing worker may refer clients who have complained incessantly and then never hear another thing, but that doesn't mean the person has stopped complaining. Far from it – it means they have learned to complain properly, about issues that really matter and, crucially, to the right people.