As an ex-naval man ruled by Kings Regulations and Admiralty Instructions, who now spends his time lecturing and delivery safety courses – and with the recent imposition of the ludicrous Part P of the Building Regulations in mind – I have been reflecting on what it would have been like in the days of Admiral Nelson, had he been alive today ...

The noted Admiral has just issued his famous signal to the fleet, only to find that it has been changed to read: “The UK expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability”.

“That's not the order I issued. What gobbledygook is this Hardy?”

“Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We are an equal opportunities employer now, We had the devil’s own job trying to get the word ‘England’ accepted but it was considered racist.

“Gadzooks,”says Nelson. “Hand me my pipe and tobacco Hardy.”

“Sorry sir,”says Hardy."All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free environments."

"In that case issue the rum ration. Let us prepare the men for battle."

“Sir, the rum ration has been abolished ... government policy on binge drinking.”

“Heavens above man – what next ?” says Nelson. “Let us go full ahead then.”

"Sorry Sir ... We are in the designated four- knot speed area."

"Damn it man. Here we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history and we have these daft restrictions. Give me a report from the crow’s nest"

"That will not be possible Sir,” says Hardy. The Health and Safety Executive have closed the crow’s nest because there is no safety harness, the rope ladder does not meet the New Working at Height Regulations and the men have not received training under ladders and scaffolds. HASAW will not allow anyone up there until proper scaffolding is erected.”

“Right,” says Nelson."Get me the ship’s carpenter then without delay."

“Sorry Sir. The carpenter is busy knocking up wheelchair access to the forecastle Sir. We have to provide a barrier free-environment.”

“Then send the men to rig full sail”

“Sorry Sir,“ says Hardy. “Health and Safety will not allow the men to rig sail without the provision of safety helmets.”

“Then break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

“I'm afraid Sir that the gunners are worried about shooting and killing someone and then later being charged with murder,” says Hardy.

“Well, how are we to sink the French and possibly the Spanish fleet then?”

“Well Sir, we’re not. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now and according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we should not even be in this stretch of water. We could face a claim for compensation.”

“Good God Hardy ... Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash ?”

“As I said Sir, rum is forbidden – plus there is a ban on corporal punishment.”

“What about sodomy?”

“I believe that is to be encouraged Sir”

“In that case – Kiss me Hardy.”

Peter Moss, FAST (Fire & Security Training) Lane End, Strait Lane Huby, LS17 0HF presimp@aol.com

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Security Installer