Orson Carte, our man on the tools, ponders life's great mysteries ...

Elaine Emmerson of Electrotec (described on its website as "your fist call for monitored or un-monitored security systems for your home or business") suggests her lyrics should be performed to the tune of 'An English Country Garden':

“One day last week There was a complete and utter Geek In my English Country…. Garden One thing on his mind Was the thought of what he'd find When ransacking my home and … Garden In he slipped after snooping round Quietly he searched all around On the floor he made a mound Then stole my goods without a sound Later last week Some alarm quotes I did seek To secure my home and …garden Now new systems in With some bells that make a din Protecting my lovely home and ..Garden I wish I'd done it years before Before that crook slipped through my door I did feel gutted to the core But now I'm insecure no more Now may I suggest That you also invest To secure your home and…garden Remember to check Your existing system is up to spec To protect your home and … Garden.”

It's definitely a valiant effort, though I'm at a loss as to why a burglar, no matter what the extent of his nerdishness, would take the time and effort to create a 'mound' on the floor of someone's house. Perhaps things are done differently in East Yorkshire.

Total outrage

The main stumbling block so far has been the lack of response from the musical group The Alarm. I felt it would be a terrible shame for them to miss out on this opportunity, so I took some time out to compose them another letter. It went a little something like this, to use the rock and roll parlance:

“Dear The Alarm

As you are fully aware, my name is Orson Carte, the esteemed columnist for industry bible Security Installer magazine. We have been in touch previously, and I have to say that I am shocked, disgusted and outraged at your lack of response.

What is being presented here is a real golden opportunity for yourselves. It's a chance to shine in front of an international audience, while simultaneously promoting safety and security – a hot topic if ever there was one! – and helping to pump some much-needed cash and publicity juice into this vital industry.

I may not be an expert on what it takes to be a 'pop star', but as far as I know ignoring the security industry is not a prerequisite. In fact, I'd say it was downright foolish! People love security equipment, unless they are terrorists. And singing a song promoting the security industry would surely help weed out any terrorists in your fanbase, making it a real 'win-win' situation for yourselves.

I'm not suggesting for one second that your fanbase consists primarily of terrorists – that would be unfair and probably unrealistic. But one thing it (your fanbase) may not consist of at present is young people, the sort who would use a hit single about security upgrades as a ring tone on their mobile phone – the single most lucrative market for musicians in this cursed day and age.

Your indifference so far is a shame, really, because as I've mentioned before, we're all big fans of your work, very minor errors about the Clash notwithstanding.

However, as a professional musical group, it would be very much appreciated by all of us in the security industry, and the public at large, if you could release some kind of statement indicating your exact reasons for passing up this momentous opportunity, or, more realistically, your anticipated release date for this very exciting music single.

I am very much looking forward to hearing back from you. As an incentive, I would be more than happy to organise free passes for The Alarm and their partners to attend next year’s major security event, IFSEC, held in the picturesque environs of Bimingham’s wonderful NEC. Perhaps this could be the venue for the single’s launch.

Many kind regards, O. Carte (Esq)”

Other options...

Unfortunately, I now have a feeling that The Alarm may lack the fighting spirit and cojones to join with us on this important project. I'm not ruling them out, but I'd say it could be a long shot at this stage. Those with an artistic temperament do seem to be quite blinkered at times, sadly.

With that in mind, which other musical performers do you think we should approach with this opportunity? It would be great if their name or image matched up to our security-based requirements, but any justification would be useful at this point.