Orson Carte, our man on the tools, ponders life's great mysteries ...

Although I do not play an instrument myself, I have often imagined that I would be very good at it indeed, were I inclined to do such a thing. I do not say this out of false modesty.

Music has a power to reach out to people that many listeners underestimate, or fail to acknowledge. I refer here to the practice of inserting 'subconscious' messages within the lyrics and tunes of songs, which remain with the listener long after he or she has ceased actively partaking of a ditty and is going about their humdrum lives.

What the hell does any of this have to with anything at all? This is an impertinent and rude question you may be asking in your brain. If you'd just kept reading, you would have found out already.

What this is about

The point is, I believe the time has come for the security industry not only to develop and market its own theme song - which could easily include some subtle, or not so subtle inducements to buy more security products and to maintain current systems - but to form a musical group, or band, which could perform this and other security-related songs, and appear on Music Television (MTV) and Top of the Pops and also be a ringtone for mobile telephones instead of that frog thing.

This idea is something the industry really should get behind, and not simply because I have come up with it. Although that is a major reason.

The industry should get behind the idea because it is a great way to make security 'cool', 'hip', 'wicked' and, so I'm led to believe, 'gnarly', or somesuch thing. It 'future-proofs' the industry, as our manufacturer friends would say.

A hit single could be generated by utilising the vans of all installers involved in the industry to advertise the song, allowing youngsters to be influenced by marketing to believe such a song was, indeed, 'cool', 'hip', etc. They would then purchase the single on vinyl or CD or cassette or download it from an MP, or whatever it is that they do.

The name game

It's of vital importance that our security band has a catchy name that also encapsulates and sums up what the project is all about. There are a number of things that need to be taken into consideration here, including musical genres, current trends, and associated gimmicks.

I have come up with a number of suggestions. These are accompanied by explanatory notes.

Public Enemy Enemy: This would be a hip-hop or 'rap' group, and is a very clever pun on an existing group with a similar name. As the saying goes, "The enemy of an enemy of the public is a friend of mine, so therefore I should think about installing a new alarm or CCTV system on my property or place of work."

Another potential name for a group in this genre could be MC EN50131-1 and DJ Detector, although this sounds very ominous, and could frighten away women - but probably not 'hoes'. (Or is it 'hose'? I can never understand what they are saying.)

Joseph and His Amazing Anti-Masking Technology Cloak: One for the mums.

The Alarm: Sadly, this name has already been taken, even though the group in question chose not to use their unique position in the world of punk rock to champion burglar and intruder systems installation and associated issues. An alternative could be The Integrated Digital Video and Access Control Management System Version 2 or TIDVACMS v2.0. Teenagers love acronyms.

Welcome to the Vandal-Proof Pleasure Dome: I imagine this would be the name for an intense and powerful 'heavy metal' band which sandwiches references to the Romantic poets in between apocalyptic warnings about the horrible fate that will befall anyone who fails to maintain and upgrade their CCTV system.

Whatever the name or genre of the group which is finally selected, we will need a 'gimmick' as an additional marketing tool to really hammer home our message. My suggestion is to employ a choreographer to work on some moves I have come up with which I have entitled The Alarmbada: The Entry Forbidden dance.

Leaders, take action!

Like almost all of the equipment we use in the installation business, this idea is both unique and innovative, not to mention revolutionary. However, there is a very slight chance that decision-makers from other industries may steal this concept and use it for their own evil purposes. There is an even smaller chance that they may think of it for themselves.

So the time to act is now. We need our peak industry bodies to form a committee, a committee unafraid to form sub-committees with a commitment to workshopping action points.

We need to conduct a study and then we need to report on that study with the use of presentations.

We need to find the most marketable installers in the business today, along with myself, and whip them into shape. We need to form the greatest security installation focused musical group in the history of humankind, and we cannot afford to waste another minute.

I've done my bit. Now it's over to you.