Manager as empathiser

Only recently, I asked a young trainee recruiter: “Why do you think empathy is important in your role?” He replied in a broad London accent: “What makes it so cool is that the other person realises that you understand them.” Quite so, indeed. In truth, empathy is a key communication skill and yet it’s often not taught at all, and is most certainly under-utilised. When it is used, it’s one of the most powerful skills a security manager can possess.

In an interview setting, for example, managers can use empathy to great effect, irrespective of whether they are the interviewer or interviewee. Empathy is also useful when working with employees during an appraisal, or when being forced to deal with difficult situations including bereavement, dismissal or non-performance by members of staff.

To understand the use of empathy, we first need to recognise typical speech patterns and how they might go awry. To illustrate my point, read very carefully the following exchange of questions that would be asked of a job applicant seeking an installation engineer’s role in the security sector...

“So tell me... What tasks did you perform in your last job?” To which the reply would be: “Well, for the past 12 months I have been repairing faulty alarms and correcting errors made by apprentices.” From this simple transaction, it’s immediately apparent that the engineer possesses some sound experience, but it’s almost impossible to say whether or not the employee enjoyed that work, and what they specifically liked or disliked about their role.

A good interviewer would then latch on to the fact that the employee did – or did not – enjoy their work (perhaps from their body language or tone of voice) and move on with: “That’s interesting. What else did you do?”

Reflecting emotional content

Imagine for one moment that, instead of moving the interview forward, the manager simply reflected some emotional content into the process (such as the effort required to climb out of bed for an early start, the sun rising over a cold and frosty vista or perhaps the long trek to work on public transport)?

The deployment of empathy acknowledges how the other person feels, and demonstrates that the interviewee and interviewer recognise (and share) that particular moment in time. This moment of sharing is non-invasive and yet extremely powerful. It can be demonstrated – reference Maslow et al – that a future employee who feels they have something in common (or a bond) with their hiring security manager will take that role in preference to others. Even if the pay is lower!

Empathy is not confined to the interview scenario. It may also be used as a ‘technique’ by security managers when a member of their team is going through a difficult period. Empathising with them will make them feel better because they are being heard and valued. By simply stating: “I hear that you are angry/sad with...” will help you, the security manager, defuse your own anxieties. At the same time, your employee is shown that they’re being listened to and, ultimately, understood.

A simple display of emotions isn’t empathy, but rather the sharing of feelings for that specific moment. Think of empathy as the commas in emotional communications. Use them well and the sentence appears in a particular way, but use them in another fashion and the meaning will be significantly altered.

The tool of preference

Always remember that empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is given to someone, whereas empathy is a sharing of (hopefully similar) feelings

Often, I will teach advanced empathy skills to those managers involved with ‘back to work’ interviews. It is an effective way of lowering absence rates. Most managers begin the session concerned that any display of emotion is somehow soft or ‘woolly’ but, with practice, it soon becomes the tool of preference that is – at the same time – both supportive and firm.

Take, for example, the employee whom you suspect is unable to get out of bed on a Monday morning and is permanently late to work. The employee will no doubt come up with countless reasons to explain their tardiness. If you then think back to the conversations you have had with them, they are highly likely to be tainted by your own frustrations as well as incredulity for the excuses proffered, and accompanied by an impassioned stare. The game being played here is well established. They know how you are going to react, so all that’s required of them is to spout a string of fresh excuses (the sixth dead Aunty in Australia, the traffic was bad, the alarm that never sets, etc, etc). That kind of game will continue ad infinitum.

The next time you find yourself in the middle of such a game and want to stop, add in some empathy. Do not make the classic mistake of confusing this with emotion. As soon as your employee articulates an emotion (“I’m so sorry, Boss”) or their reason (“I had a migraine”), simply recall the feelings you experienced when you were genuinely in the same predicament, and then reflect these emotions to your own member of staff. After a short pause for shock, both yourself and your employee will have connected.

One of the managers with whom I work described the first time he tried this as resembling something more akin to a collision than a connection... “John just stood there with his mouth open wide, but his time-keeping was far better from that point on.”

Try it for yourself and you’ll notice that it’s extremely difficult for anyone bar psychotics or those on drugs to keep battling against emotions. They stop playing the game and will choose an easier one: compliance.

A different pair of eyes

Empathy is best acquired by simply giving someone your full attention and seeing the world through their eyes. Even if you believe (from your own Map of the World) that they are either foolish or pathetic, try to visualise matters through their eyes.

Having listened to what your employee has to say, reflect it back to them verbally, ideally using their words. For example: “I totally understand that you are feeling...”

Always remember the fact that empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is given to someone, whereas empathy is a sharing of – hopefully similar – feelings. As you become more and more accustomed to reflecting feelings, you can then expand your own range of adjectives... Moving from, for example: “How awful...” to: “The pain must be...”

One of the senior managers at a Canary Wharf-based merchant bank recently said to me: “I simply don’t have the time for this. We are all too busy. I just want my people to get on with their jobs.”

I could not agree with him more and, if indeed we can tolerate the current status quo then why change it? However, if you are brave enough to change the game you’re playing, empathy is both an invaluable and powerful tool for doing so.