Last orders

Hello again, Last Orders devotees. Yes, yes, yes, it's good to see me again, I know. I get this sort of thing all the time.

To business. I note with some sadness the avalanche of smutty emails I received following last month's discussion of security trends for 2007, particularly with regards to my prediction that male grooming products, and specifically skin moisturising cream, would be one of the hits of the year.

Quite frankly, I fail to see the humour in comments about 'hairy palms', 'wrist actions', and similar such depressing innuendos. I have always prided myself on being above such tawdry 'witticisms', so it is not likely that I will bend over and take one for the team on this occasion.

Mild boys

Returning to the most pressing issue facing the security industry today, I notice with no real surprise that I am yet to receive a response from superannuated popsters Duran Duran, following my offer to allow them to record the much-vaunted Security Industry Hit Single.

As a result, I was forced to send them the following email missive.

"Dear Duran Duran

It's Orson Carte here. I wrote to you some time back with an offer to 'reinvigorate your career and help to reduce crime throughout the UK'. To your discredit, you have failed to respond. Many of your greatest fans are employed in the security industry, and they too feel a sense of disappointment and betrayal at your inaction.

After my initial murderous rage, I have calmed myself somewhat, and after reviewing the situation, realised that I may have been somewhat 'obtuse' in my initial contact. Allow me to lay out precisely what I have in mind. Please bear in mind that this does not excuse your behaviour, or lack thereof; consider it an olive branch, offered in the spirit of the Blitz.

Mr Duran, as you know, the security industry is in dire need of a hit single (preferably a number one, although anything in the top ten would be acceptable) in order to promote the industry as a whole and to encourage people to upgrade or purchase new security equipment.

The plan is laid out

I have selected your musical combo as the ideal act to record such a tune. At no stage have I approached any other group, as I believe Duran Duran's musical legacy screams 'Security!' louder than any other popstrels at any stage of musical history. [Obviously, there is no need to reveal the full extent of my flattering lies just now. This part does not appear in my actual email to them.]

My initial thought was to suggest that you re-record your well known single 'Girls on Film' as 'Potential Offenders on Digital Video'. However, if you'd prefer to 'lay down' an original track, I will be available to act as a lyrical consultant.

In addition, I have choreographed a number of dance moves to be performed in the music video - I have taken the liberty of naming this 'The Alarmbada: The forbidden entry dance'. So you can rest easy knowing that this aspect of the project has already been taken care of.

While I'm aware that you and your band mates probably have demanding day jobs, we should be able to negotiate some unpaid holidays in order to undertake our punishing promotional schedule. This will incorporate in-person appearances at numerous security installation sites throughout the UK, and half-hourly performances over four days on the Security Installer stand at major industry event IFSEC, in May.

We will be prepared to host the song and video on the Security Installer website, absolutely free of charge. Any royalties from the sale of the single will be donated to a charity which I am in the process of setting up.

Opportunity knocks

This is an enormous opportunity for you and your band. To make it big in the security industry is extremely difficult, but with my name attached to the project I think you'll find that most installation engineers and company CEOs will grudgingly fork out the cash to purchase the single. This will begin a 'domino' effect, and soon the song will be number one on the hit parade charts.

This success will have a dual effect. Firstly, it will help to reinvigorate your flagging careers, allowing you to quit your jobs and concentrate on music full time. Secondly, it will encourage the public to pay more attention to security and security products, providing a boost for the industry, and most likely, a 60 to 70 per cent drop in the crime rate in the UK.

And although it's not really our primary concern, the song's exposure to an international audience, thanks to the rise of the internet and faster airmail speeds, could conceivably reduce crime and increase your popularity in countries as far away as France and Holland. Sounds enticing, doesn't it?

Please feel free to respond in the affirmative as soon as possible. We've got a lot of work ahead of us, so it doesn't make sense to just sit around drinking cheap cider and eating bags of crisps. Yours in security,

Orson Carte, Security Installer magazine.

ocarte@hotmail.co.uk."

I’ll let you know when I receive their response, which should be quite soon. In the meantime, keep safe!

Orson xx.