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As you are well aware, I am a very modest individual. I do not like to harp on and on about my triumphs, or the personal qualities that make me an exceptional human being. I don't like to discuss my generosity of spirit, my empathy and goodwill, or my regular, and brilliant, insights into the nature of human existence. That, I believe, is for others to do.

However, it is traditional at the dawn of a new calendar year to look back at the one that has just passed, and to attempt to make some sense of what has taken place during those twelve months. And 2006 has been, with all due respect to myself, the year of my campaign for a Security Industry Hit Single.

Because this visionary campaign has been carried out in these very pages, I will not dwell on it for as long as it deserves. Suffice it to say that very exciting things are in the pipelines – and I'm anticipating an email from slightly gone to seed pretty boys Duran Duran anytime soon.

But that’s enough trumpet-fondling. I want to look back at some of the other, less heralded stories of the security year.

A year of security

2006 has seen some major innovations in the world of security installation. One of these came from access specialist Bollo Locks. January saw the launch of its Intelligent Door Locking System, which incorporates an electro-mechanical locking system, CCTV cameras and video analytics software to assess the suitability of a visitor for entry to your home.

The simple, yet utterly effective system prompts the user to offer a minimum standard of dress which any visitor must meet to gain entry to the premises. This ranges all the way from 'black-tie' down to 'nightgown', although 'hoodies' of all kinds will create an automatic panic alarm and full-scale lockdown if detected.

The Bollo Locks IDL System is available in Upper, Middle and Lower models.

Another significant development in the world of security is the emergence and availability of male skincare grooming products. There is nothing worse in the world than showing up to a job feeling like your skin is that of an 80-year old cavewoman, grey and aged, thanks to a perpetual fear of being eaten by a mammoth or savaged to death by some kind of dinosaur fox or something.

So it's a relief to know that we, as installers, are now able to pop back to the van, open up our ultra-masculine leather and chrome skincare pouch, and undertake the full daily regime before facing the rigours of face-to-face customer interaction.

These days, it's simply uncool to show up to a job without exfoliating and moisturising – you'll be laughed at by men and women alike. Under this kind of pressure, it's heartening to know that most of the major skincare firms – Clarins, L'Oreal and Olay and the rest – are now looking at producing security installer-specific ranges for launch in 2007.

The greatest show

The major date on the calendar in 2006, as always, was the annual IFSEC shindig in chic and sophisticated Birmingham. I'm told it was a brilliant event.

I was there, as I always am, but for some reason cannot remember a single thing about it, other than waking on the show's last afternoon and finding that I had somehow become a preferred partner/installer for over 90 per cent of the exhibiting manufacturers.

I'd also managed to accumulate enough logo-emblazoned pens and USB drives to start my own modestly priced Pen and USB Drive stall in the Camden markets, which I am happy to report is now amongst the most successful Pen and USB Drive stalls in the entire history of this famous trading zone. Panasonic pens, it turns out, are surprisingly popular amongst wealthy teenaged goths.

So, once again, IFSEC has proven itself to be the most important place of business for enterprising security entrepreneurs in all of the UK.

Crystal ball gazing

So what does the future hold? It's a very good question, but one which I am in a position to pontificate about.

Many companies are looking into the possibility of producing Seeing iDogs. These are robotic dogs for use by the blind, but also double as bomb-sniffing security devices. They are particularly useful in situations where suspects have secreted bombs or drugs in their crotch region. In fact, their only drawback at present is the necessity of having a blind person on hand at all times to ensure their availability. They should hit the market in the second half of 2007.

Also likely to be a big hit in the domestic market are Screaming Potted Plants, which hurl obscenities at potential intruders before they have had a chance to gain entry to a property. Their accents are adjustable, and they also provide a useful deterrent for those who may decide to use an outdoor location as a site to relieve themselves after an evening of drunken revelry.

So those are my big tips for 2007. Have you heard of any groundbreaking new products or initiatives? Let me know. Email: ocarte@hotmail.co.uk. Adios! (Goodbye).