Last orders

Greetings. It's great to be back. Before I get into the real meat of this month's article, though, I have a little housekeeping to attend to.

But don't get me wrong! I don't actually do any housekeeping myself, not in any kind of real-life, practical sense of the word, anyhow. After all, what are mothers for? No, I'm talking about 'housekeeping' in the same sense that particularly officious chairpersons do at meetings to discuss whether the local residents' association is keen on proclaiming a small village near Devon a 'nuclear free zone'. This is more metaphorical housekeeping, tidying up the loose ends created by the filthy, unkempt columns of months gone by.

After publishing last month's opus, an email arrived in my electronic mail letter box, from one Mr Dave McGurty. Mr McGurty, if you remember correctly, works for Atlas Alarms. I outlined the history of his firm last month. This is what Dave wrote.

"Orson,

Thanks very much for the article in this months Security Installer, very interesting, but, I fear, slightly inaccurate. The use of a squirrel in our original system is incorrect. We in fact used stoats and weasels. The squirrels never made it past the beta testing phase. Anyway Orson, cheers, you're a good man! Dave."

Initially this missive disturbed me, enveloping me in a miasma of self-doubt and despair. If I could make such an elementary mistake on an issue as well-known and important as this, who knows what other, more insidious errors may have crept into my work over the years?

Hope springs?

As a perfectionist, I take pride in being able to differentiate between beta-tested squirrels and practically applied stoats and weasels. It was enough to make me consider tendering my resignation and ending it all, by moving to Clacton-on-Sea.

But life has a way of taking you by surprise. Shortly after this correspondence, I was contacted by Security Installer editor Alan Hyder. Quite out of the blue, he had received two glowing, raving letters from avid readers of this column. Both had arrived completely unrequested. I reprint them here, for your edification.

"I am writing to express my sincere gratitude for Orson Carte's campaign for a hit single for the security industry.

"In my personal opinion, it is one of the most important and greatest campaigns in the history of professional journalism, even edging out the 'Free Deirdre Rashid' campaign of a few years ago. To have a journalist with such a natural ability to seize the concerns of the readers he addresses, with such vigour, conviction and heroic composure, shows that there still remain people out there, making a difference to our daily lives.

"Mr Carte is undoubtedly one of the UK's most pioneering and forward thinking journalists, a national treasure indeed!

Yours Sincerely

Dave McGurty
Atlas Alarms."

There was also this:

"As a subscriber to Security Installer magazine and a fervent reader of Mr Carte's 'Last Orders', I was delighted to see the piece on his quest for a security oriented hit single. It was pure genius on his part to think of enlisting the help of The Alarm (as they haven't had much chart success these last few years) and also to ask for assistance from the readers of Security Installer magazine.

"In a sector whose publications can occasionally be classed as a trifle staid or stiff (no reflection on the magazines themselves – this is purely due to the nature of the content) it is refreshing to have a light hearted look at the security industry and Mr Carte has done this in all of his editorial pieces.

"His latest editorial campaign is definitely a number one hit, even if the musical piece he hopes the Alarm will perform for him isn't.

I hope he receives the recognition for his writing he so richly deserves, and I wish him every success for the future, so he may one day fulfill his dream of becoming – and I quote: "One of the most brilliant columnists of this or any other generation".

Your faithfully

Tracey Postill
Heald Ltd"

Back in the saddle

Emboldened by these unsolicited words of encouragement, I turned my attentions again to the Security Installer/Last Orders campaign for a security industry theme tune with renewed vigour.

Having not heard anything back from the lacklustre Alarm, I have turned my attention to musical heavyweights (in all senses, these days) Duran Duran.

Another group in need of a welcome hit of publicity, I intend to enlist them to re-record their hit 'Girls on Film' as 'Potential Offenders on Digital Video'. However, due to the lack of success of my 'direct' approach to The Alarm, I have decided on a different tactic. I sent this email:

"Dear Duran Duran – Fancy reinvigorating your career and helping to reduce crime throughout the UK? Why not get in touch with me? O. Carte, Security Installer magazine."

I assume they will jump at this juicy bait. However, I'm also keen to see if we in the security industry can't come up with something better ourselves. If you fancy recording an industry theme song yourself, why not let me know, and we'll post it up on the Security Installer website.