How to survive… a bonding weekend

1. Make sure you are reasonably fit. The tasks are likely to include activities where you have to display your sporting prowess – so if you’re naturally sporty you’ve got it made. However, if you loathe sport with a vengeance, just pray you don’t get an army assault course. If you do, simulate cramp, sit in a corner and join in when the action gets easier.

2. Dodge unavoidable nudity. During these dreaded weekends there is always at least one opportunity to flash your flesh at fellow colleagues. That’s all very well if you look like Adonis or are shaped like a Barbie doll, but for the rest of us mere mortals, it’s an ordeal. Heading somewhere coastal? Then you’re likely to indulge in team water sports. If it involves a wetsuit, you’re safe. Otherwise, you’re likely to have to wear a cossie. Girls, never ever go topless and, boys, leave the tanga at home. It’s hard to comprehend why companies put their employees through this specific ordeal, other than to create a mood of sexual titillation. If you can’t face it, feign illness and stay in the hotel.

3. Beware of the demon drink. Yes, bonding weekends are the time employers ply their young with alcohol just to see exactly how they will behave. Try and rise above this bizarre sociological experiment by pacing yourself. If you do happen to embarrass yourself, take comfort from the thought that everyone will know your name at the end of the weekend (for the wrong reasons).

4. Do not bond too much with anyone. This includes copping off of course. Restrain yourself, especially if you’ve had too much to drink, and save your romancing for the Christmas party.

5. Excel at karaoke. All is not lost if you’ve failed at the tests of strength and endurance – you can still try to take the karaoke trophy. If you’re a natural singer, you’ll easily clinch it. Otherwise, attempt a comic rendition (how could it be anything else?) of Bohemian Rhapsody and you’ll be a sure-fire hit.

6. Roleplay. Even more humiliating than karaoke as there’s normally no alcohol to ease the embarrassment. Depending on the cruelty of the course trainer, your roleplay may involve anything from pretending to be an angry client to playing Mr Tumnus from Narnia. Just swallow the ‘no inhibitions’ pill and give it your all.

7. Don’t mention days off in lieu. You are quite justified in resenting wasting your precious weekend making a muppet of yourself in front of colleagues. After all, it’s only fair that you should be given time off to lick your wounds. However, you’ll instantly halt your ascent up the greasy pole if you even hint at the fact you deserve a day off. You’re meant to be enjoying yourself, dammit…

8. Do not trash the hotel or country residence. Obvious really, but there will be recriminations on Monday morning if you attempt to squeeze all your room furniture into the lift, or decide to decorate the walls Banksy-style.

9. Parting is such sweet sorrow. No doubt you will be given a lovely memento of your bonding ordeal – emblazoned with the words ‘Team of 2006’, or something. It’s likely to be a potentially useful item, that’s been irretrievably scarred for life, such as a beach towel with a giant company logo or a business bag that Alan Partridge wouldn’t be seen dead with. Accept it graciously and then flog it on eBay.

10. Once bitten, twice shy. Yes, with some ingenious super-sleuthing you can try to suss out when next year’s team bonding weekend is scheduled. If it involves hacking into your boss’s PC or befriending someone in human resources (an almost insurmountable feat), so be it. Once you’ve got the dates, make sure you book your two-week holiday in Barbados to coincide with the bonding weekend – and bingo! – you’ll be sunning yourself in the Caribbean while your colleagues are following an SAS-style management course in deepest Derbyshire