Welcome to the bunfight

An American presidential election occasions nothing less than joy in our house. Well, in my bit of the house, anyway. What’s, as they will keep saying over there, not to love? It’s a huge bunfight in the home of democracy. I have spent so much of my time since last November surfing the various election websites and blogs that I’m beginning to feel slightly nervous about what I’m going to do when it all finishes.

It does, however, put me in an excellent position to give the neophytes among you a rundown of the runners and riders, as well as (if you’ll allow me to extend the metaphor for a moment) the people whose job it is to come on and shoot the horses under a tent if they fall over. So here it is: my bluffer’s guide to the dramatis personae of the American election. You’re welcome.

Barack Obama

Democratic candidate. Charming, intellectually adept and the kind of shape that makes it difficult to shop for suits, Obama represents change. This is his greatest asset, since right now Americans would vote for a poo-flinging monkey in a frock if it meant a change from the current incumbent who, quite frankly, has only not been sent to stand in the naughty corner because his office is oval.

Obama’s greatest feat as a presidential candidate has been to raise most of his war chest not from big business but from donations made online by millions of ordinary Americans. To be clear, it’s not the amount of money he’s raised that’s worthy of note so much as the fact that he managed to drag them away from porn sites for long enough to fill out the form.

John McCain

It’s not the amount of money Obama’s raised that’s worthy of note so much as that he managed to drag donors away from porn sites long enough to fill out the form

The other guy. McCain is that rarest of things – an American war hero that no other Americans actually like. Democrats see him as Bush with dignity (it’s a hard imaginative stretch to conceive of such a thing, but you can make it if you try) and he’s alienated his Republican base by failing to be what they would consider “conservative enough” and what most rational people would consider “the kind of warm-brained looper who feels that the Old Testament is a little on the wishy-washy side”.

A self-styled maverick, McCain has taken a number of astonishing gambles in an attempt to claw back Obama’s lead in the polls. These have included yoking his fortunes to a woman who sincerely believes that the ability to see Russia with the aid of a pair of binoculars and a chair to stand on is as valid a grounding in foreign affairs as, say, knowing about foreign affairs. And then there was his dressing up as a ninja and abseiling in from the roof at the final debate (maybe I was dreaming at that point, but nothing seems beyond the realms of possibility with McCain).

Joe Biden

Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Utterly irrelevant.

Sarah Palin

Famous lightweight and satirist’s wet dream. Poor Sarah Palin. She represents the proof of one of democracy’s great problems – namely that people take their election to office as proof that they’re any good at anything when it is more often simply proof that in a field of charlatans and incompetents they turned out to be the least charlatan-like and incompetent-seeming. Still, when your country calls what are you supposed to do?

Right now, Americans would vote for a poo-flinging monkey in a frock if it meant a change from the current incumbent

If Sarah Palin’s learned one thing in the time since her debut at the Republican National Convention, it’s that she probably ought to work out the call-screening function on her ansaphone, just in case her country calls again. Which, it must be said, isn’t looking all that likely any time soon, short of there being a US-wide moose infestation.

Bill Clinton

Crosspatch. The last Democratic tenant of the White House and a man very likely to be found there again, lying pissed in the bins round the back, having given up after half an hour spent trying to scale a drainpipe and enter the Obamas’ bedroom with a bit of dog-poo wrapped in a KFC napkin. Rarely have we seen a man more angry on his wife’s behalf. Perhaps he feels he has something to make up to her for? Whatever it is, he’s biting his lip so hard that if you look carefully in some interviews, you can actually see blood.

Hillary Clinton

Former candidate for the Democratic nomination. Spends most of her time in a swivel chair in a bunker, stroking a white cat and saying, “All in good time, my pretty,” over and over again.