Can you hold your drink?

I received an invitation to visit Dublin for the weekend with a contractor and other supply chain partners. I love the city and thought it would be a good relationship-building couple of days. But it was awful because I don't drink and the whole weekend was geared around alcohol: the Jameson distillery, the Guinness brewery, the pub lunches and evening sessions.

I tried to enter the spirit of things but it was hopeless. I find drunk people very boring and could tell I was making them edgy. I ended up escaping to my hotel room early on Saturday night just to stay sane. I tried to interest everybody in a trip to Trinity College for a look at the Book of Kells, but it just alienated me from the group further.

In the end the trip did more harm than good to my relationships with these people. It created a personal distance that I had to work at overcoming. I also lost respect for them because they were so single-minded about getting drunk. A few regressed shockingly and behaved like sixth-formers. It was a waste of time and it just irritates me that people have such low expectations about what constitutes fun.
Advice: You were naive. You should have realised what it was going to be like and declined the invitation. Be frank with yourself and others about what you do and don't do and make decisions accordingly.

Insulting the clients
Mr Red, regional director

We invited a client on a five-day sailing cruise round the western Canary Islands in the Christmas lull. It was a pre-project bonding session, really. We'd been awarded the contract for a major office and retail development in a city centre and this was our way of saying thanks and kickstarting the relationships.

It all went very well on the first day. A skipper came with the beautiful, sleek yacht, which slept eight. Some of us were experienced sailors and the weather was challenging, so there was a natural focus for the group. But it curdled on the second evening when we pulled into a port and went out on the town.

Our services manager had been promoted recently and was the newest member of the team. We didn't know him that well. He turned out to be a loose cannon. He was great during the day, pitching in, exuding a positive attitude, but after a few drinks in the evening his personality changed. He became aggressive, loud and challenging. While everybody else paced themselves, he treated it like some kind of binge. He was rude to members of the client team and if I hadn't stepped in he would have had a fistfight with some other holidaymakers. I ordered him back to the boat to sleep it off, but the damage had been done. The client guys were thinking, this is the professional team we've employed?
Advice: A bit of a gamble, wasn't it? Your team hadn't gelled enough to risk a close-quarters knees-up with the client, and you got stung. Sounds like your services manager was out of his depth. He used alcohol to release the tension of a big job, a luxurious setting and continuous scrutiny. You've got to choose your party to suit the personalities involved. After all, the cruise wasn't crucial to the success of the project, and the services manager will probably do a good job, even though he's not experienced enough to handle a Big Brother-style jolly.

Under the table
Mr Blue, site engineer

I go every Friday to the pub with the site manager, the foreman and the others on the project. They stay until closing time. I used to but realised they could drink me under the table. That's just what they did the first few times. They had to put me in a cab and I don't remember getting home.

It gave me a reputation as a wild man but I'm not. They pressure you to drink with them and I simply cannot keep up. I see it as an important element in being part of the team, but I can't stand the hangovers and I don't like who I'm becoming.
Advice: Get some backbone and say no.

Pouring their heart out
Mr Brown, contract manager

Our company cleaned up at an awards ceremony and we pulled out all the stops in celebrating, both at the dinner and afterwards in a club. Towards the end of the night, in the small hours, as they say, I was sitting with one of the main board directors and he started telling me some pretty personal things. His home situation was a mess. It got into work too, and he was admitting that he didn't feel in control. We were all pretty loaded but I kept trying to change the tone. It was inappropriate for him to be spilling his heart out to me. He'd regret it later and resent me. The party dispersed soon after that, but since then, surprise, surprise, he's been avoiding me.
Advice: Alcohol contributes to a feeling of camaraderie, a feeling that is sometimes an illusion. You should be big enough either to hear the man's story and respond in a way that protects his dignity or, if you find him dull or silly, to get out of the situation tactfully. Tip your beer into your lap, if necessary. Or his. If it's you who's getting confessional, get a grip. Seek help from real friends and professionals. When drinking with colleagues, build a cheerful atmosphere that everybody can enjoy.

Test case
Ms Green, project manager

Recently I was taken out on the town with the director and some other senior project managers in the division. The object was to get to know each other and break the ice, which I welcomed because I'm new to the company and fairly new to the role and, frankly, I can use all the team-building nonsense on offer.

It could have been a fantastic evening. We went to a funky Bangladeshi seafood place and then on to a great little pub. But it was terrible. I got the distinct impression that I was under the microscope the whole time. You know how you pick up vibes.

They were encouraging me to drink and relax and talk. I can hold my own on all three fronts, thank you very much, but they were holding back in the weirdest way, pretending to be jolly but actually focusing on me and micro-managing the situation. I kept trying to get them to relax but it felt like there was something definitely going on and in the end I just clammed up. It left me feeling inadequate, as if I'd failed some obscure test that nobody was owning up to.

On reflection, the only explanation that makes sense to me is that they seemed to be evaluating my response to the situation, to see if I got stonking and started removing items of apparel.

If that's the case they need to work on their test. Nobody's going to relax under those circumstances.
Advice: You're paranoid.